Can’t Always Get What I Want
-- from Lisa’s diary on the day of season’s greetings

The radio is playing Mick Jagger’s "you can't always get what you want."

You can’t always get what you want. But if you try hard, you’ll get what you need.

What do I want?
I closed my eyes and tears began to fall through my cheek.
I want to be with Rick. I want to be a wife and a mother and live a simple and normal life. I am getting old and tired and all that I want is someone to rely on.

Rick is not Rible.

The feeling I had for Rible was not love. I was only sixteen. We didn’t know each other, nor did we know ourselves. Our relationship was not based on mutual understanding, but on an illusion of teenage dreams. And the first praise and care from a boy, I mistook it for love.

And now Rick.

Cold fish, Old sourpuss, stuck-up spinster. I could still remember all the nicknames of me before Rick came into my life. Rick had changed me and in the meantime I had learned a lot from him.

He helped me grow. I am no longer the conceited commanding officer, only giving orders according to the tactics learned from military school. I am now able to empathize with the pilots, to sense their fear in the battle out in the dark silent universe. It does not make my job easier, but makes it painful. Anyone’s death diminishes me, because now I am morally involved.

Rick taught me how to be a leader. Before he came, I only wanted others to think that I was an independent and confident person--who know exactly what I was doing and run everything in my life smoothly--while the fact is that I felt scared and frightened and tired for most of the time, not knowing where to go and what to work for. But the image of being capable so fulfilled my ego that I pushed and pushed my fear into my unconsciousness. Every now and then, when the fear peered out and seized my, I would appear completely distressed and anxious, confused in a state of mental cloudiness that had only been seen Claudia. But Rick is so different. He never tries to APPEAR brave, he admits his fear and does his job despite of all this. He taught me how to be self-composed and assertive, the prerequisite of being a leader, and in the same time retains the sensitivity of recognizing my own feelings.

He taught me to love. I used to be anything but considerate. I used to believe in strict military discipline and nothing else. But he is soft and caring. He cares for Minmei, for Ben, for all the young pilots under his commands. And I could see from him that how demanding and pushy I used to be. But he brought out the gentle part of my being, which I had pushed down deep inside myself for too long. Now I can honestly express my passion and care about my friends, without fearing to be hurt in return, like the time when Rible left me for Mars. I know I LOVE Rick. It doesn’t matter that he does not have the same feeling towards me--the friendship we have be sharing is one of genuine concern and mutual understanding--and that is the most precious thing one can expect from life.

It had finally come to the time that I resolve my feelings for Rick. I know he loves Minmei and we could never be together. Yes, I was sad, I do not want to face this. But I still has my job to worry about and if I keep being a love sick puppy like this, then all the time I’ve spend with Rick has been wasted.

Maybe I AM engaged to my work. This time I do not chose my career as an escape from reality. I choose it because I finally find the meaning of my work. It might be sad----because I would miss all the happiness of being in an intimate relationship. But did that really matter?

Florence Nightingale and Mother Teresa. They may not lead a romantic life, but nonetheless a special one. They never married--not because they were not able to love--but because their love was so general that they could not focus it on a specific person. The love was directed to every people that needs help--noble or humble, old or young--a love that must have been painful for themselves but which had brought warmth and happiness to so much people.

I doubt if Nightingale and Mother Teresa ever regretted their choice--I think they knew well enough that they were engaged to the service of healing, that such trivial thing as getting married and having children, seldom, if ever, came to bother them.

Time to say goodbye and head for our own futures.

This time, I am not able to get what I want.

You can’t always get what you want. But if you try hard, you’ll get what you need.

But what do I need?
I got up and opened the window. The sun has finally escaped from behind the distant hills at the far end of Lake Gloval.
It’s a beautiful scence, full of hope and promise.
I feel a sense of relief.
Now I’ve finally found what I need--I need to work hard to get the people on the earth what they need--peace.


  收音机里正播放着Mick Jagger的《你不一定总能得到你想要的》。